Processing
“I finally got my epidural”
“I’m leaving the ER. I’m having a miscarriage”
Two texts I received back to back from two close friends.
The shortest rollercoaster of emotions ever.
And never have I been more aware of making sure I was on the correct feed with my responses.
I remember the joy and the sorrow of both of the experiences.
Life and death.
Joy and sorrow.
Hopeful and hopeless.
Beginnings and endings.
And all this…never forgetting that you would have been 2 this week.
The Damn Dam
Making the drive to Walmart
A few last minute items to help us get through the next few days
And the dam breaks
And I can’t stop it…no matter how much I will it to….
The tears keep coming.
I drove to my moms.
I just needed a hug.
And I voiced the thoughts….
“But what if its a freak thing? I can’t raise three kids by myself.”
“My kids are triggered. Gracee literally said ‘I thought he was indestructible’.”
“I know physically he will be okay. I am just worried about the mental side of this.”
I’m carrying the weight of the decade before me and the current reality in the crevices of my heart.
The Waiting
The buzzing for the next one up.
The conversations about any and everything.
The eavesdropping dance of being invested without knowing.
The coping…
The emotions…
The worry…
The chatter…
The exposing lights…
The touch of the overused chair pressed against my nerve…
The smell of sterile coldness…
The overstimulation of the waiting room…
I tried to get lost in my book
And I did ….somewhat…
But, I missed you. I just wanted to be with you.
The After
The aftermath of the cut….
This is when the healing starts,
But, it is also when ugly comes.
I have always felt like I do the things.
And we laugh and joke that I do.
It works.
But this week…I have realized, I can only do the things
when I have you.
I don’t know when it happened, but you became—and are—my rock.
Knowing I could fall at any moment and you would be there
was—is my safe guard.
It is hard seeing you like this.
Despondent.
In pain.
Depressed…more than your usual.
“I don’t like being on this side of it. This is new.”
“Yeah. Its probably giving you a lot of emotions.”
“Yeah.”
A lot was said there without being said.
Physically---I know you will heal. I know you will be okay.
Mentally—-the after scares me.
The Cloud
It’s gray cloud week
You know the one…
Life continues on, but there’s a cloud over our heads.
We’ve offered the olive branch.
We’ve tip-toed with graces.
You take them for your meaningless hours
And continue your life as if nothing is different.
4 and 7—that’s where they stopped growing for you.
4 and 7—was a lifetime ago.
The End
My oldest plays her last basketball game tomorrow night.
I get to be her mom on the court honoring her.
Yet another milestone…..
That she misses, but I get to share…..and another reminder that I get to share it because she misses it.
Continuing
Life always marches on.
Until it doesn’t…then we don’t care.
We aren’t here to care.
But this march…
It goes….on
And on
And on.
Life passing by
But all the emotions of the last two weeks still there.
Sure, I know people deal with a lot more.
And I fight the internal battle of feeling weak
Because I feel it all.
Turns out….all the feelings I feel are said.
This healing journey….is validating.
Sometimes life comes in calm waves.
And other times
It comes in hurricane waves of emotions.
So far, 2023 has definitely had all the emotions.
Writing is part of this journey….
BUT, I did start 2023 FIFTY pounds lighter!
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