It's Tough Being Healed

Isn’t it? I can’t be the only one that is living this. God is still performing miracles, and I know that I am not the only one who has witnessed such. And, once again I feel as though I should have a disclaimer that this blog entry is going to be nitty gritty and personal and all that good stuff!, which is why I have struggled with posting it, but I can't be the only one. So, let’s just get to it.

So, my “love life” has been, well, interesting and crappy. I am in no way pretending that my “love life” has been worse than the next persons, but it has been mine, my story, and well, it’s some beautiful crap—seriously. I have been lead on, lied to, and cheated on. I have been the object of someone’s secret life. I have believed the lies from spiraling mind games; lies that told me I was nothing.  (Believe me; you’ll want to read the book when it comes out, so I won’t go into too much detail.) I was left with an empty shell of a person; a person that had to be rebuilt, redefined, but this time there was thicker skin, a sharper tongue, an “upper-hand attitude,” and a wall.
So, here I am, getting to know myself all over again, after two years since the last blow. There have been guys since then, but nothing serious. Don’t get me wrong, I am still friends with a couple, but I defined even them in my life. Everything was on my terms and “Deuces” if I didn’t like something.

So, here I am, and in walks this guy that, I mean, yeah, I could dig him.

So, here I am, digging this guy and it’s completely out of my control.

So, here I am, in a quandary, as I tie my running shoes (figuratively). Then above the noise, something catches my attention and it’s that faithful, still small voice.  “You claim I have healed you from past hurts, and I have. So, why are you not living in that and trusting?”

So, here I am, shocked and in awe that I was so accurately called out on something I did not even realize I was doing. Living in the reality of being healed is much harder than one thinks. I mean, I can no longer use my past hurts as crutch for acting like a “hard-a$$,” when that is not who I am. Living in the reality of being healed means doing just that. But, oh that is an entire new level of control and trust one must enter into.

So, here I am, knowing that this is not about me, at all. It’s not about the guy, but it is about The God and how He’s got this, even this; and knowing that we are definitely not on my timetable, ever. It is about trust, on a new level.

 So, here I am, being very raw and giving life to this new journey I am embarking on. The journey where I have given up more control in something that I want to define and meddle with, something that I want to make mine; but this journey is one where I have to just “Be Still”---something very hard to do.
And what if nothing develops with this guy? Then, I will still be thankful for the way God used him, without him knowing, in my life. I am thankful for the hope restored. And when the thoughts come racing in, and I know they will, that “it” will never happen for me, I will remember what I learned through this journey: that it’s not really in my control, what is to be will be when the timing is right.

So, here I am, living in the reality that He has healed my broken heart time and time again, and He will never stop healing the wounds of my heart. I am living in the grace, mercy, and knowledge that He has me inscribed on His palm. And when I fail to walk in this new reality, and I will, He will gently remind me with His love. I am so thankful that He’s got this crazy life.

Until next time, Dearies!


Valerie Batley said…
So here am I, healed and human! One of the toughest things for me was praying FOR those who had hurt me and my family. (When I hurt, my children hurt, too.)

So here am I, married to a wonderful man after saying that I'd never get married again.

So here am I, constantly reminded of the Power of God and His love and care for me and my family.

I love you, Faith!
I love these hopeful words so much. God is working to heal me, too, and he used a guy to do it when I least expected it this past week. I will probably never see him or hear from him again, but God used him mightily in dispelling the lies that flooded my heart.

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