Faith's Funny Friday: Alien Invasion

In my last post you may remember me briefly mentioning a new friend of the male sex and how we were going to a Daughtry concert together; well  as promised here’s an update on just how great THAT outing was….(yes that is sarcasm)

Disclaimer: This is one of the most embarrassing times of my life and  if I can laugh about it now then why not share it here? I do not usually use this type of “humor” but “it happens to everyone” just maybe not in public….

Before the concert, his dad, dad’s new girlfriend, Kyle and I ate at a place called Steamboat Bills in Lake Charles. Obviously this place served seafood of all kinds and it was at one point delicious.

We made our way to the concert venue and we were early but it was fun. We sat and Kyle and I had the chance just to enjoy each other’s company. At this point, it is just a fun time hanging out…..before the alien invasion....

The concert starts at 830 and I’m not that impressed with Daughtry at all. I guess the acoustics were bad. Well then my stomach it’s just not feeling right; and its kinda starting to hurt and I think well maybe I need to walk around for a minute and get a sprite to maybe settle it.

I ask Kyle if he needs anything then I go to THE GROSSEST BATHROOM EVER. I potty then take off my belt thinking maybe my belt was too tight because maybe I was a fatty and ate too much. I put my belt in my purse, wash my hands, grab a $2.50 solo cup of sprite and head back to sit with Kyle.

I’m sitting there and lightly sipping on my sprite and then like a hurricane force wind I get extremely hot and I can’t really see because there are bright lights. Did I mention it’s hotter than thighs in polyester pants in July?! I think "OH GOD" and now my mouth is starting to water!! I look at Kyle with saucer size eyes and quickly get out "I think I’m gonna be sick???" (Yes it was a question...because I could NOT believe this was happening) 

I throw my purse down and make a run for it down the first set of stairs. I barely make it to this dome trashcan.  

I try to push open the flap and turn my head sideways but it just doesn’t really work well.......no it doesn’t....there was....vomit for lack of a more fun word, on the floor, on the trashcan... and its projectile.....P R O J E C T I LE.... meanwhile there’s a cop to my right who is OBVIOUSLY ignoring what is happening next to him (thankfully because I didn’t want him thinking I was THAT DRUNK GIRL and give me a citation)

 I am done throwing up enough to make it down the next flight of stairs to the bathroom and out of the corner of my eye I see Kyle making a bee line for me. Which makes me feel a little better and yet horrified at the same time because I can feel vomit alllllll over my face. So, again I just run away! I get to the bathroom........

and it is….. 

ALL over my face

a little in my hair

and literally on my eyelashes (yes there was vomit on my eyelashes)

IT WAS TRAGIC!

Now when I run into the bathroom, the thought of putting my face near even a clean public toilet is gross (remember this is a NASTY bathroom) Well, that thought was too much so I just had to settle for a sink........out in the open......in front of everyone..... so there I am throwing my toenails up a midst stares, glares of judgment from people I do not know.....that think I am some cheap drunk at a Daughtry concert. Really, it was one of my shining moments…….

So round two is in the books and I’m trying to clean up and wipe my face meanwhile tears are forming and I just keep apologizing to everyone in there.

I turn the corner and Kyle is kindly waiting for me at the door as I’m getting more paper towels and he said "Baby, are you ok???" and I just look at him with a wide-eyed “I cannot believe this is happening" look and he sees it and immediately "Don’t cry....it’s ok......crying is going to make it worse....are you ok?" comes from his lips and I shake my head. I get myself  "presentable" to leave the bathroom.

So, Daughtry is on his last song; Kyle and I wait by the door and I cannot stop thinking about the poor people who are going to have to mop up my vomit; and clean out that sink; and I just pray. I pray for them al. I look at Kyle and I just apologize. I just feel soooo bad for the people who are going to have to clean up. Then, I pray that God plugs my butt because we are about to get in the car (the last thing you wanna do when throwing up) and I do NOT need the other to start!!

We are waiting at valet and at this point I’m thinking "ok maybe it was just that the food didn’t like me. I feel better now that it’s out of me." It’s just that false sense of “feeling better”. I joke with Kyle that he is the first person besides my mom to ever see me vomit. He says he feels special and that I’m just making this trip very memorable.

So we are standing there.......

and I feel this sharp pain...

and "oh god" goes through my being again

and I just dart, I mean DART through traffic because across the drive there was a grassy area with waaaaaaaaaay less people and a dried up fountain flowerbed thing.

I look at Kyle and without a word I just run and I didn’t care if I got hit cause I kinda wanted to get hit by a car at this point.

and yes, I throw up AGAIN...... in a corner of a dried up flowerbed thing behind a brick wall..... but here comes Kyle again and he's there holding my hair back with a consoling "It’s ok baby" "are you ok" etc etc. Then as two girls walk by and snicker "she had too much wine" he says "No, it’s her food!" and then on cue when I’m done he’s wiping my face and he says "You don’t look like that drunk girl”..... We ALL know I looked like that drunk girl.... (Oh its funny....now....)   

so I sit there and he's asking me what I need and promising we will get it asap

I get the front seat, his dad is driving...Kyle is in the back, behind me and his dads girlfriend is next to him and her son on the other side of her.

Now, I am freezing!! Shivering freezing and at this point miserable does not even begin to describe me. We find a gas station and Kyle comes back with me some chewable Dramamine (because he thought that would get in my system faster) and a sprite. I chew chew chew and take a tiny sip of sprite and we are back on the road.

And we are driving.....

"Ooooh I'm gonna need you to pull over!" are the only words I utter.

 Kyle's dad pulls over....

Now, mind you we are on I-10

And its dark and it’s been raining...and there’s water not far from us, probably full of alligators and snakes….

But when I tell you that Kyle beat me out of the car to help me get out and hold me up while I threw up, and hand me napkins I’m not lying or exaggerating....regardless if nothing happens with us I will never be able to say a bad thing about him because of how he took care of me this night

It was muddy and slippery and he's holding me up while I’m wrenching my toenails up before we get back in the car he asks if I need anything....and I just look at him and say "do you think we could move their food to the back??" (they had their take home boxes of food by my feet in the front...... and he looked at it and said "we are throwing this food out" and I was like "noooo don’t throw it out...I’m sorry just move it" and he said "stop....it’s ok"  Because now, not only have I made a spectacle at the concert and a miserable drive home, now, now I’ve made them throw out food…………….

We make it to Crowley to his dads girlfriend's place.....

Then it starts....both ends....

and I literally pray for the rapture.....like I need this to end now!!! I need an earthquake or the power to disappear….anything at this point!!!

I’m on her toilet with my face in her trashcan....and there are just no words....really no words…even as I type this

She had some phenergan ointment put that on ...and we get in the car to go back to Kyle’s dads house in Opelousas. I was loopy and druggy headed so there’s no telling what I told these people?!?!??! We had to stop another couple of times but it was just heaving because THERE WAS NOTHING IN ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We get back to his dads place and I get in bed. He stayed in the room with me until I settled down and fell asleep. I rested for a few hours but it began again, because I was a glutton and ate three ice chips. The morning continued on with more of the same until I settled down enough to make the ride home, which I did without having to stop however once I got home there was more wrenching.

We all know throwing up is not fun, when you are home; but throwing up in public, multiple times, with new people; there really are just no words for that level of horrific mortification.

We did take a picture before the invasion: 

Maybe you needed a laugh today; and why not let it be at my expense. I'm laughing about it......now

Until Next time Dearies!!