Confessions of an Online Dating Profile



I'm just gonna be real for the next few minutes. It's a tough world. It's an even tougher world in the dating scene. In a digital society that thrives in technology and social media--or even a blog like this--online dating is becoming a norm. It is not as faux paux as it once was; however, it's slightly embarrassing to admit that yes, I have tried it. And boy is it exhausting!!

Dating online allows anyone---even myself---to hide behind a screen when it comes to face to face communication. It has become a crutch in this society. I even see it in my students. It is hard for them to communicate in anything more than 140 Tweet characters or a Snapchat caption.

But I digress---So, yes I have tried online dating. Who of you single readers haven’t? Be honest. You have and you know it. It is okay. This is the world we live in and it is hard to meet people without technology. I have comprised a list of confessions, if you will, that are real life examples of just how hard it is out “there.” Wherever “there” is in the dating world---just know, you people who got married before social media, that it is tough!

Confessions:
 
I judge you by how you type your profile and if you use correct grammar and punctuation and the right forms of “your” and “there.”

I judge you if your "best option" for a profile picture was a bathroom mirror selfie, especially if half of your face is covered.

I also judge you if, in your picture, you are shirtless or raising your shirt. This isn't New Orleans and I'm not throwing beads. Please contain yourself.

I judge you if there is a girl or more than one girl hanging on you in your picture. This isn't impressing anyone and screams either a) I am insecure so I must show you that these drunk girls like me b) that I still go out and party and you will always think of this picture when that happens c)I am a narcissist and this is me virtually bragging. And if any of the above exhibits are true, then that leads to drama and I keep scrolling.

If you start off by asking for more pictures. Rude.

If your profile reeks of emotional baggage, please deactivate your account until that passes. Take a pill or something.

If you ask me if I missed you when it has been 2 minutes since we even knew each other existed. Needy much? I mean, if that is the woman you want, then I am certainly not for you.

If you “can’t stand overweight people” or “can’t stand a person who has friends and family who call or come by all the time” then I just feel that you are not a human being I would enjoy being around.
 
If we happen to make it to dinner, and you berate my opinion on any topic and then proceed to tell me that “everything you say is right,” yeah, we will not be compatible. I will eat you for lunch and well, that is just no fun because you are a moron and it is too easy.

If we happen to make it to dinner and you pull my hair as I am getting in the car. Look, you are lucky I didn’t kick you or mace you.

These are the brutally honest confessions of my online dating experience thus far. Remember the movie Hitch, yeah.... Maybe this is why I am single. And to be honest, I am okay with that. 

So, this is my feeble attempt at making this whole scene humorous. 
Until next time, Dearies!

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