Belated Birthday Blog

I always write a birthday blog. I don't know why, but I do. Except for this year because it was just different. This year there was so much inside of me going on that I needed extra time to process everything. 

I was turning 31. I was officially in my thirties: Successful with my career. independent; about to take the next step in my career; surrounded by support and love; and then there's this but hanging around. (And I'm sure everyone knows what that but is.) 

And well .... sometimes you just need a cry on the bathroom floor.

It's the most honest and raw cry---in the place where you bare it all. Groom it all. Judge it all. In the place where there's nothing to hide you from you---that's also where the most raw cries happen.

How many times am I going to get it wrong before it goes right?!?  How many times am I going to give it all only to get this ending every time?

And he wasn't even an butthole! Selfish at times and negative at others? Yeah, but when it was us, I was his queen. (And who isn't selfish at times?)

I never thought I would have to choose career and location or love. I never thought it would ever be like this. And maybe I'm not choosing career, maybe I'm choosing myself. Or maybe I'm choosing this because I know myself. And for once, I can't give anymore. I literally can't give anymore. Maybe, that's it. Maybe I'm choosing compromise instead of all because I know what lies ahead if I don't. Maybe, just maybe, I've reached a point in my life where I do love myself enough to know what is right for me. And maybe that makes this even harder. 

So. Here I am. I'm 31. On the bathroom floor. Sitting in my tears. Wondering if this will be my forever instead of him?

I'm wondering if this was a crossroads in my life. Was this the road Frost talks about? 

31 was hard to swallow and even harder to face with this life change. 

I mean, I know I'll be okay---I always am. But this---this separation---is just different this time. 

31, you're weird.