Southern Women
*This is a paper I wrote for my Women Writing in War class last semester.*
Independence does not always equal
aloneness, but rather that one knows who one is, aside from another person or
society’s ideals. Independence means charting one’s own destiny. I come from a long line of independent,
hardworking, and successful southern women, but the definition of success for a
woman is still debated in southern culture. The first college graduate on my
maternal side of my family was a female and ultimately, my mother. Before her,
the women in my family were successful in the home and working outside of the
home to help provide for the family. As times change, much can be said about
the slow change of women’s success in the Southern culture.
Sarah Morgan kept a diary during the
Civil War and while her diary addresses slavery with ignorance, her words show
the internal struggle of a woman in the south. Sarah was an insecure woman who
felt stuck socially without a man to validate her. Sarah lived in a time when
the first rung of the social ladder for a woman was a man. A husband was life
and a link to society. The man’s role in society became the woman’s title,
therefore making her existence the undertone to his true role. Sarah Morgan was
trapped and dying for the affection from a man so that she may have purpose.
The
feelings Morgan had on the pages of her diary are not far from the insecurity
that creeps in on me sometimes. The idea that a man suddenly validates womanhood
is still alive in the South. There is this uneducated mindset in the South that
if a woman is not married and barefoot and pregnant by a certain age then she
is defective. The struggle Sarah brings to life is not that different from
today’s struggle for women and even more specifically, southern women. A
dominant Southern mindset is that a man validates and is the cause a woman’s
success. Southern women are in a waiting room until they are married. A woman’s
success is therefore measured in marriage and childbirth, leaving the rest as
lagniappe.
For
Sarah and me, this reality is harsh when the suitors are less than tolerable in
nature or simply not interested. There is a part of me that relates to Sarah Morgan. There is also a part of me that believes she despised her status as
that of being validated or nullified by a man, in this Southern culture, that
is a double-edged sword. Then again, maybe I am projecting my own internal
struggle on to Sarah Morgan.
Regardless
of validation in the eyes of society, women, knowingly or not, desire
affirmation from other women. Simply, women empower and influence other women
more than men do; at least this is true in my own life. Yet, the empowering
drive is sometimes offset by an innate competitive nature and sometimes the
competition is with oneself. Even in Sarah Morgan’s diary we see an example of
this. On page 405, Sarah and her sister Anna are engaged in conversation about
Mr. Gwynn, and Anna let’s on that she is interested. Sarah then “picked him to
pieces” and Anna suddenly claims that she never did like him. I find this
particular funny, because women still do this; or at least I know I do. There
is something to be said about the approval from other women for any choice that
is made. While there is the understanding of the male-female sexual
relationship and societal connections, sometimes, women desire the intimate
compatibility with other women, rather than men.
Society
has forced women to have it all: booming career, sparkling house, fit body, a soccer
mom schedule, and perfect kids, all while having a well-balanced dinner on the
table promptly at 6 p.m. Often times; women are forced to choose between being
a homemaker or a career woman. Can the two be equally successful? Sure, but I
do believe the homemaker is often in danger of losing herself.
In
some circles, I feel that if I had at least one divorce under my belt then I
would be more validated and accepted in this southern culture. With a divorce,
at least I would be seen as good-enough to be someone’s wife at some point in
time. This daring idea that I pursue another goal that requires commitment and
does not take from me, but rather molds me is baffling to some. The South is
undoubtedly big on repressing women. The idea of a woman becoming educated and
advanced is seen as “turn-off” rather than a “turn-on” for a man, for an
educated woman is seen as a threat to a man’s “manliness.” The mindset then
becomes two sided and a form of imprisonment for any woman, resulting in women who
believe they still need a man to be validated or to even be seen as a woman.
Just
a few months ago, I ran into a woman I had not seen in a few years. Instead of
a productive conversation and catching up, she made snide remarks about my not
being married yet. I was so taken aback by her attitude about my singleness
that I just could not continue in a conversation with her; instead, I angrily posted
about it on Facebook (a modern day journal entry for an audience). The
responses I received definitely proved that I am not alone in believing that
this mindset still exists in the south today.
Womanhood is achieved through
experience and it is a process. Womanhood is not achieved by a man. My womanly
worth should not be equated with my female anatomy just like my backbone or
voice should not be compared to the male anatomy. Do not misunderstand my stance;
there are plenty of things I love about the South. What roots I have are found
here, in the South. I also
will say that the social ideals in this response essay are probably not just
unique in the South, but definitely more dominant here.
So, what does success look like for
Southern women? For Sarah Morgan, just maybe it is her world, as shallow as it
seems, living on in her diary. Even though, with that statement I am reminded
of her own words on page 407, “Well, well! It is not fair to judge her by my
ideas.” For me, success is knowing who I am, what I want out of life, and going
after the flirtatious moon. Success is happiness, regardless if a woman takes
on a man’s last name or not. I am a woman and my value is so much more than my
anatomy. Sarah Morgan’s own words sum it up, “I am only a woman, and that is
the way I feel.”
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