Sometimes, It is Not Well.

 * I urge you to listen to the song linked at the bottom of this post.*

I sat and watched you in awe. I couldn't even imagine your insides as everyone watched her take your place.
Watching her and…
…Knowing that you knew your...her...your son better.
…Knowing that this is totally out of your hands.
…Knowing time is precious, yet you share it with her and him...them.
…Knowing you are all he knows.
…Knowing that while he knows her heartbeat from the inside, he knows that he is your heartbeat.
…Knowing that if.... when...if....Lord willing not... but if...okay, when you have to hand him back,  part of you will die..... The part of you that thrives, that loves, that lives will die.

…Knowing that this should be well will your, my, everyone’s soul.

“So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name”

I found myself weeping and screaming at the word cancer dancing in my face.

This was not supposed to happen to you.

For you are a treasure in our Father’s eyes and are to be rewarded with long days.

It was devastating knowing cancer was in your body trying to thrive.

I was heartbroken and questioned God and His promises.

I wept and heaved and was just plain exhausted.

I searched for words to write, to pray, to express what my insides were stirring.

“So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name”

The song played and my soul soared. There is a comfort in knowing that “the waves and wind still know His name.”

I sat and wept and tried singing

“It is well...” but I couldn’t. I choked every time and more tears fell. I sobbed because I wanted to sing “It is well” with my whole being, but I could not honestly sing…

…It is well that you have cancer

…It is well that the sweet babies may go back to unfit circumstances

The truth was/is…

... it is not well that you have cancer

…it is not well that the babies may go back

…it is not well

…and my heart cried "Lord, it is not well, but please make it well."

In that moment, my spirit was relieved and soothed with the wings and words that it's okay that it's not well. It's okay that my cry be to make it well.....

In Him making it well, that's where I see Him: that's where I lose myself, lose my logic, lose my anger and see Him and His beautiful plan; that’s where I am real with Him and I get to see Him in a new and beautiful light.

In this journey, the “it” has been huge and my “it” is still huge. But, I know I serve a faithful God. I know I serve a God that has all things suspended. I pray that I always be able to fall on my face and He make it well, that through it all my eyes stay on Him and that my soul let go and trust Him.

I absolutely refuse to believe that I am the only person who has ever had trouble truly singing “It is well.” So, I guess my point in sharing this raw post, is that whatever your “it” is, He has it. He will make it well and it will be a beautiful, faith-building journey.

Oh lord, make it well.

“It is Well” by Bethel

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul

It is well it is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.