Fostering And Praying

The trouble with fostering children comes in the realm of prayers. 

You see, I want the best for the children, but I don't want the biological parents to succeed. So, what does that say about me?!? While I'm praying for "God's will"---or really what I think is best---I'm really praying that "those people"---who need Jesus just as much as I do---fail and stay bound in the life that got them here. 

Yes. That's my disgusting human heart. That's where I have found myself lately: celebrating when "those people" fail miserably. 

I'll let that sink in. It's disgusting. I know. 

However, watching and walking this journey with some very close people in my life has allowed God to reveal Himself to me in a new way---which also means, revealing some pretty disgusting things in my heart. Like my inner happy dance when "those people" fail.

See, I haven't found myself praying for "those people." I haven't found myself "in their shoes." I haven't found myself showing the same grace and mercy that has been show to me. 

But I have found myself rejoicing when their failures happen. I have found myself being mad when something positive happened for them. And I have found myself feeling like I'm better than they are. 

But, just like anything with Him, I have been humbled. I am "those people." Their image is my image---it's hard. It's hard say that. It's hard for me to pray for them to know Him and have a turn around when, ultimately, I know what that could mean. 

It's hard to pray for people. Plain and simple. In those prayers for others, we lose ourselves. We see ourselves. We are purged of ourselves and sometimes that is just the ugly truth---like this post. 

Maybe your "those people" comes in the form of a co-worker, family member, or friend. Maybe it shows it's head as jealousy or anger. Maybe, you're like me, and it's some of all of the above. 

"But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"--Matthew 5:44

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:40

I know I've referenced both of the aforementioned Bible verses before; however, today they are more real to me because of this season. Today, I am seeing them and myself in a new light.  

Because tonight I know that I am truly the least of these. I am no better than those bound in chains. I am no better than those who spew my name in vain behind my back. I am no better than those whose name showed up on a list this week. 

And that, my Dearies, is a hard pill to swallow and even harder to pray through. 

But, He is forever faithful and I know that with every purging comes more of Him.  I'm looking in this mirror for a reason. 

Until next time, Dearies! 

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