A Teacher's Grief

"Don't you get tired of hot pockets?!?" They said. This was the last thing I remember before my world---our world---was rocked. 

Hysteria burst through my door and I couldn't fathom what was being sobbed. I read the messages as hysteria screamed, "They said she didn't make it. What does that mean?? Tell me what that means!!" 

 And time stood still. 

The nightmare was now my reality and I confirmed everyone's worst fear---she didn't make it. She died. An hour before, she was here in these halls, ordering her cap and gown. And there we were---trying to fathom a world where she wouldn't wear that cap and gown. 

This wasn't supposed to happen to my school---to my kids. I wasn't supposed to grieve the loss of a current student this early in my career. Of all the preparation that goes into being a teacher, there's none that prepares one for this. My kids shouldn't have to grieve one of their own. 

It's hard.

 It's beyond hard to see your big, tough boys collapse in your arms. 

It's hard. 

It's beyond hard to see the life in their eyes stunted. 

It's hard. 

It's beyond hard to not have any answers for them. 

It's hard.

It's beyond hard experiencing this loss with your kids. 

It's hard. 

A parent should never have to bury their child; a teacher their student; a student their best friend. 

Things I've heard:

"It's not fair."

"We were supposed to have our 18ths together!"

"Why her and not me?"

"She had goals and a plan."

"I keep waiting for her to walk in." 

And for the most part, I've thought and felt the same things. By far, this is the hardest and saddest thing I've ever lived. Never in my life have I felt so helpless. There are no answers or words to comfort; for He is the only one who can comfort us during time. 

I don't know how to go on from here. I don't know how to face them next week when we even attempt to go back to having some sort of class. Everything now seems futile. How? How am I expected to move on from this? How am I to expect them to learn anything in class when they have just lived through one of life's hardest lessons? This is not in the standards, curriculum, or lesson plan. Frankly, what does all of that matter at this point? 

A teacher's grief is none like I've ever experienced. And I would dare say, that unless you're a teacher, it's probably very hard to understand. A piece of my heart, my family, died yesterday---that's not something easily dealt with. 

 I'll end it with this from a student,  "Going to RHS is like spending everyday with a huge family. We are so small that all we really are  a big family. And we may not always like each other, but when one of us is down, we all are. And I know it's going to be okay one day, but that's not today, today I saw the strongest people break and that's not okay because we lost a family member..."

Please, keep us in your prayers, dearies.