Letters
Tonight, I spent the evening writing letters. Letters that I would never send, but letters that needed to be written. I never closed the letters because there was no resolution. They were open ended.
Why?
Because my reality right now is not the forgiveness and mercy and grace it would take to have a resolution.
Because I thought I had dealt with things. And I did. And God did a work. But for some reason I've dug it up subconsciously.
Have you ever had something come up that brought in old and new emotions about something?!? Because that's part of what this is. And boy, has it slapped me in the face.
You see, my reality right now is full of anger. It's full of disgust. It's full of being okay with just walking away from certain people and never looking back. My reality is to just be done.
But I know....somewhere in my heart---under all of this---under all of me---there's the knowledge that that's not He would do. He would extend that grace and mercy once again.
But I'm not there. I'm nowhere near there. I'm wallowing and wondering when enough is enough.
And then, He showed up...while I was in the bathtub, no less:
"How do I do this Lord? How do I forgive? How am I supposed be okay? And be nice and merciful?"
I don't know what that means for me.
"Be still and Know that I am the Lord God Almighty." (Psalms 46:10)
I'm not ready to make nice. I'm just not ready...
"I've got you."
I don't want to be a doormat. I'm tired. I'm tired of this circus.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."(Matthew 11:28)
Okay. How do I do just that? See that's the thing. I don't. I am to sit at His feet. And sometimes, it's hard for this Martha to do that.
So, once again, I'm in this classroom---hoping I'm not alone...
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