It's Tough Being Healed

Isn’t it? I can’t be the only one that is living this. God is still performing miracles, and I know that I am not the only one who has witnessed such. And, once again I feel as though I should have a disclaimer that this blog entry is going to be nitty gritty and personal and all that good stuff!, which is why I have struggled with posting it, but I can't be the only one. So, let’s just get to it.

So, my “love life” has been, well, interesting and crappy. I am in no way pretending that my “love life” has been worse than the next persons, but it has been mine, my story, and well, it’s some beautiful crap—seriously. I have been lead on, lied to, and cheated on. I have been the object of someone’s secret life. I have believed the lies from spiraling mind games; lies that told me I was nothing.  (Believe me; you’ll want to read the book when it comes out, so I won’t go into too much detail.) I was left with an empty shell of a person; a person that had to be rebuilt, redefined, but this time there was thicker skin, a sharper tongue, an “upper-hand attitude,” and a wall.

So, here I am, getting to know myself all over again, after two years since the last blow. There have been guys since then, but nothing serious. Don’t get me wrong, I am still friends with a couple, but I defined even them in my life. Everything was on my terms and “Deuces” if I didn’t like something.

So, here I am, and in walks this guy that, I mean, yeah, I could dig him.

So, here I am, digging this guy and it’s completely out of my control.

So, here I am, in a quandary, as I tie my running shoes (figuratively). Then above the noise, something catches my attention and it’s that faithful, still small voice.  “You claim I have healed you from past hurts, and I have. So, why are you not living in that and trusting?”

So, here I am, shocked and in awe that I was so accurately called out on something I did not even realize I was doing. Living in the reality of being healed is much harder than one thinks. I mean, I can no longer use my past hurts as crutch for acting like a “hard-a$$,” when that is not who I am. Living in the reality of being healed means doing just that. But, oh that is an entire new level of control and trust one must enter into.

So, here I am, knowing that this is not about me, at all. It’s not about the guy, but it is about The God and how He’s got this, even this; and knowing that we are definitely not on my timetable, ever. It is about trust, on a new level.

 So, here I am, being very raw and giving life to this new journey I am embarking on. The journey where I have given up more control in something that I want to define and meddle with, something that I want to make mine; but this journey is one where I have to just “Be Still”---something very hard to do.

And what if nothing develops with this guy? Then, I will still be thankful for the way God used him, without him knowing, in my life. I am thankful for the hope restored. And when the thoughts come racing in, and I know they will, that “it” will never happen for me, I will remember what I learned through this journey: that it’s not really in my control, what is to be will be when the timing is right.

So, here I am, living in the reality that He has healed my broken heart time and time again, and He will never stop healing the wounds of my heart. I am living in the grace, mercy, and knowledge that He has me inscribed on His palm. And when I fail to walk in this new reality, and I will, He will gently remind me with His love. I am so thankful that He’s got this crazy life.

Until next time, Dearies!