What else do I need???

So I have been laying low.…laying low in giving details and true feelings that I am having to work out ..…Yes there is this inner white trash girl that wants to blast and wants everyone to know all the bad….but then there’s this other Faith…the Faith that sometimes I myself do not understand…THAT girl can only be attributed to God….because THAT girl has a lot more class than my inner white trash gossipin fool named Sha nay nay….I know I was surprised by the name too! But this God driven …merciful Faith….is ALL God...and I want that to be made clear!!! I sit here in a turmoil because of what a walking contradiction I can be at times. I know I have touched on this before when I referenced the Proverbs 31 woman that wants to thrive versus the Anti-Men feminist that wants to thrive..…I’m still working on a balance…and here we sit…but tonight its on the topic that is a four letter word in all aspects....love. I am not a love hater, although that would be interesting. I believe in love. I do. I have loved with my entire life…my entire heart...my entire soul.…I believe that true love does exist. I know you all waiting for the but……ok here it is.….I am not sure I believe in it for me….at this point. I am working on me…isn’t there some pop culture song that Sha nay nay likes to listen to that says something like “Imma do me”…I am working on me. I have personal career goals and I am staying focused on them and God. I don’t care anymore about love….yes I will be there to plan the remaining friends weddings and throw the best showers and baby showers that my little budget will allow…I will be Nanny McFeFe….but as far as love…I don’t know. I have tried it…and it has ended up hurting me and been love in vain at times…I am focused on achieving these goals and pleasing God...and in while I am so diligently focused on achieving such a prince comes in on his white horse and I am blindsided by love….ok…seeeee there’s that hopeless romantic little biddy that keeps creeping up….and I just ok…I want to be this hard person that is done with love...but it is like every time my heart gets broken I believe in it more..and maybe its this twisted little game that is being played but I don’t think so maybe just maybe its God…and He is teaching me about His love…His beautiful unconditional innocent love…I believe in love…and I believe there is that one….but today do I believe he’s “out there” for me…I don’t know. I am not looking.…I don’t understand God’s ways at all sometimes…but I know He has all things suspended and He has not forgotten me…and that He loves me…despite myself….and really that’s all I need to know….that’s all that matters. The God of ALL creation loves me. What else do I need?

Comments

Amanda T. said…
You have our love too, darling. God will always be there for you. It never ceases to amaze me how you can take every life experience and correlate it to God's love. Thanks for being that way. It opens my eyes more and more.
July 11, 2011 at 8:33 AM
TracyBlalock said…
Sha nay nay---let's be perfectly clear...YOU are LOVED by not only GOD but all of your family and friends. The BEST love is the one you aren't looking for, the one you don't expect. Just keep a positive heart and HE will take care of everything else. In the mean time, concentrate on FAITH and faith!
July 12, 2011 at 1:45 PM
Anonymous said…
Ok, I've read this 3 times in the past few days. It makes me sad but then it makes me happy.  Sad because at first it seems that you are giving up on love but then happy because you are completely and totally trusting in God to provide for you, guide you through life and supply your joy.  Even though we (you and I) deal with totally different situations in our separate lives, this blog hits home with me.  In fact, it hits straight into my heart.  I realized this when I read the blog to Mom and she shed a tear of sadness and wished your heart was not hardened to love.  I explained to her that was not the case at all.  I interpreted it as in searching for love and longing for it so much, the lack of finding it brings pain.  I relate your experience and situation to my own in the fact that I want children so bad and have wanted them for so long and the older I get the hope grows dimmer.  I feel myself getting hard to the comments "why don't you have children", "you're not getting any younger".  I cringe when the preacher refers to parents in his sermon and follows it with "only a parent could understand".  What am I? Do I not understand anything just because I'm not a parent?  I hate going to church on Mother's Day or Father's Day because they make such a big production of it.  Then I realized, maybe I need to quit focusing on being a Mom and focus on being a child of God because only He knows the plans He has for me.  Through it all I have been there for my friends having babies.  I've gone overboard on baby gifts and showers and I spoil them with love.  But deep inside there is that part of me that refuses to let go of that possibility.  But in order to spare my feelings and keep me from having breakdowns almost every day I have to build a wall of protection around me, not a permanent wall and not a wall from God but a wall from the world.  Like I told Mom, I understand what you're going through. I know yours is about finding love and mine is about being a Mom but I feel your pain.  I know that WHEN your true love finds you, you will completely melt into it and that little girl inside will scream for joy. Bob is out there but until he comes along keep your focus on God.  Your blog reminded me that it's not about me, it's about God's plan for me.  And if His plan is that we don't have children then I will be happy anyway.  I love you and appreciate your openness into your life experiences.
July 15, 2011 at 10:24 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What I’m Loving Wednesday

Image
I have not had the chance to be a part of a Link Up blog party since this summer. Today I have a little bit of time so I am taking advantage of such!! SO here we go: What I’m Loving Wednesday!! I am loving my new hot pink vest! Yes you CAN see me coming from a mile away!! I am loving my glitter nails by the Sinful Colors line at Walgreens. I mean who doesn’t  love good quality nail polish for $1.99?!?! I am still forever loving my favorite city, New Orleans and desperately craving a trip! I am loving the start of a new semester, I think. While really I feel intimidated by this semester and its day 2 I am happy to be on the path of getting another semester behind me! (and that’s not even all my books…..) I am loving that Mardi Gras season is here.  No, I am not a partier and I am not Catholic but I do love the season of Mardi Gras and getting together with friends for fun, food and beads! I love the colors and the king cake but most of all I lo...
Read more

My Grandpa

Image
As I am sure many of you have read or heard, my grandfather passed away this week after a long hard fought battle over the years and especially this last month. One thing can be said for sure, my grandfather was a fighter with a will to live and one you never heard complain about any of his ailments. He always had a smile on his face and a content heart just to be with his loved ones. Through the past several weeks I have stopped and just watched as the hand of God has carried my family with His outpour of grace and mercy in some very unfortunate circumstances and times. I sat next my fading grandfather as he caressed a picture of a better and younger era with his shaking frail hand, a time where health and time were on his side. A time where dreams were being sought and the future was bright. He stared at the picture and you could almost see the memories on his face as he was seeing them. I noticed his hand; a shaky frail hand that has done so much, built churches, houses, chalkboards...
Read more

Blogging Off The Weight & More

Image
Nope, I have not forgotten, everyday when I crave that chocolate or that supersize meal... I think about this picture of the old cantankerous lady in a moo-moo and try my best to resist such temptation!! The scales are showing a loss of about 28 pounds (depending on the week of the month its 30, HA!!!!) While these results are slow I am reminded that just like everything else in life, this too is a process, filled with ups and downs. Do you ever just have those rare days that you feel skinny?? I know I do and those are the days that I REALLY try to avoid the mirrors! Let me have my delusional skinny day once a month! haha One day, it will no longer be a delusion and I will have a flat stomach but that day is not today! I have noticed a change in some clothes and how they fit, that is fun. Swimsuit season is basically upon us and my body sings "oh happy day" in a sarcastic tune when I think about this! However I did find a swimsuit that I feel pretty in and I think thats reall...
Read more